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a poem-like object, the first of its kind this month

September 7, 2010
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I did it! I did the assignment I gave myself earlier today. My first first-draft of September. Even though it’s not the most cheerful poem I’ve ever written (Have I ever even written a cheerful poem? she asks), I am glad it exists.

POEM REMOVED FOR EDITING.

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14 Comments
  1. September 7, 2010 3:10 pm

    I thought of stopping after “our last kiss” and having this just be a short short poem. Then I thought of stopping after the first stanza.

    Then (obviously) I kept writing. More to see what would come than anything else.

    I don’t think the ending is consistent with the overall sentiment, so now I’m thinking my first edit will be to end this after “red hearts” or maybe after “cider.”

    • September 7, 2010 3:56 pm

      and by overall sentiment, i mean the “boo-hoo-hooooo.” can’t have an upswing at the end, i don’t think.

  2. September 7, 2010 3:32 pm

    No, I think you need to keep the ending, showing that even in sadness & loss there is something to be gained from it, in fact I think that is the “heart” (red or otherwise) of the poem. After all, without the dying of the Fall there is no rebirth in the Spring. But I think you “knew” this which is why it ends up in the poem when you keep the editor out of the room. “First thought, best thought.”

    • September 7, 2010 3:50 pm

      something to be gained from sadness? that’s crazy talk.
      :)

      but for the poem’s sake, i do need the editor. wondering if cider connotes bruised apples & sweetness without me having to spell it out? not sure “bruises” and “sugar” add enough value to balance out the redundancy. maybe they do. maybe they don’t. that’s what i’ll have to decide.

  3. September 7, 2010 4:12 pm

    the last word “sugar” links/resonates nicely with the “sweet” in the last line of the first stanza — that’s why I say you already “knew” it when you began — & of course “bruises” bring us back to the first stanza as well — with cider, etc. I don’t see any redundancy, just development of the image.
    But then, as John Steinbeck said, “Beware of advice — even this.”

  4. September 7, 2010 4:30 pm

    I thought of stopping before the title, but then decided you should actually write a poem.

    Seriously, though, I dig this very much. I love the “Or sweet. / In the marsh,” transition. Glad you’re writing.

    • September 8, 2010 7:59 am

      thank, JC. you make a reasonable substitute for the real JC, though you must fix your hair. :)

  5. September 7, 2010 10:56 pm

    I like the idea of repeating the ending idea, but you could change it to be more wistful. In other words, I like where the poem ends (and begins) but there may be a different last line to do the same thing.

    Love the hard cattails that will float.

    (I like your poem. Lots. And what you read. Will have to add it to my list.)

    xoxox

    • September 7, 2010 10:57 pm

      Maybe not “wistful” but less of whatever it is that bugs you.

      Yes. Sad has good things to tell.

      • September 8, 2010 8:00 am

        yes, maybe that’s it. keep trying to find the ending that suits it. it doesn’t have to be this or nothing. what a concept. :)

  6. September 8, 2010 6:21 am

    I have “earthquake brain” and can’t think of anything sensible to say at the moment, but I wanted to tell you I like this, a lot.

    • September 8, 2010 8:01 am

      earthquake brain, catherine? oh, dear, has something bad happened down there? i haven’t turned on a TV in a long, long time. i’m out of the loop, i’m afraid.

      thanks for taking time to read. i’m glad you like it. i value your opinion!

  7. September 8, 2010 10:54 am

    This is really good. I like the cattail imagery. You had me at “red hearts” (I felt that in my gut), but I support playing with the ending until you feel it fits just right. :)

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